It is officially two days before I go back to work, before I leave my baby at daycare. Last year at this time, I was sad, but also ready to get back to work. It was extremely exhausting taking care of a newborn, and I wanted to be me again. It was hard to leave Preston, but we both made it through it.
This year, it is hard.... really hard. I've cried and cried thinking about it. This summer has been fantastic with Preston. He is in an amazingly fun stage and all I want to do is soak in each and every moment because I now know from experience that it won't last long. This year, I'm not ready to go back. Maybe it's because I know how much quicker time passes when you only see your child a few hours a day. Maybe it's because I know Preston is more aware of his surroundings, yet doesn't understand why Mama isn't with him everyday. Maybe it's because I'm terrified of the sickness his endured last year. Maybe it's because I love and adore my little boy more than I could have ever imagined. I am by no means against children going to daycare in any since, and I have been nothing but pleased with everything his school has done.... I'm just at a point in my life that I think our family would be better if I could stay at home and raised my son.
Because Brad and I chose to have a child so early on in our marriage and careers, I cannot stay home. I know that when we chose to create another life, we chose a lifestyle that required me to work for the time being. I can think to myself maybe we should have waited so I could have stayed home, but I also know in the same breath, that if we would have waited, we wouldn't have Preston. And that, I am not okay with. Before anyone has a child, they cannot possibly imagine how much love they can have for another human being. I truly thought I would have no problem leaving my child with some else. As it turns out, it is way more difficult than I ever thought. Even on the rough days, I don't want to miss a thing. I can't help but think to myself what is Preston going to think when I leave him there. What is HE going to be feeling? I don't want think about myself and how I am going to manage. I think about his precious and confused little face as I walk out of the door.
This week is going to be hard. To be honest, it is going to suck. I do know; however, know that with time, it will get easier. I am surrounded by loved ones who want nothing more than to help us through this time... from stay-at-home moms to working moms... the love is overwhelming. So, with the help of friends and family, we will make it! Preston will be ok... and so will I.
If only Preston could understand everything I want to tell him, this is what I would say:
Boo- I love you more and more everyday, and just because I can't see everything you do, doesn't mean that I am not thinking about your every movement and thought. You are my world and every moment that we spend together I will cherish. You will love school because there are so many new toys, friends, and activities. You will be ok I know it. Picking you up from school will be the highlight of my day. Thank you for being the tough boy I know you can be. Now, just try to listen to your teacher a little better than you listen to me... I promise it will make life easier!
Love,
Your Biggest Fan (aside from Daddy),
Mama.
